ruminating

I’m starting to wonder why I downplay my intelligence and overall observance to the people I talk to. It’s just second nature, it’s someting mechanical and unplanned. But I make myself out to be very average and it’s finally starting to get on my nerves. Average attracts average. I can’t really stomach average company any longer. I get more brain stimulation from calculus then I get from conversing and interacting with these people who think they are “friends,” which is fine because I’m not feeling tenacious enough to tell them otherwise. I have a self-proclaimed “best friend” who thinks he is in love with me and I began the distancing process long before he even said so. He caught on a few days ago and told me to just “stop it.” I said nothing. No drive. No need.

My life right now is comparable to sitting on one of those rickety benches in the middle of a laundry room, staring into the abyss that is all my wet clothes tumbling in the wash. My life, and a huge fraction of the people in it, are a fucking laundry room. The walls are gray and the floor tiles used to be white and some sort of blue but they’re gray now too, and every so often my gaze shifts to the floor, right to this one stain that is no longer really recognizable, that no one would notice if it wasn’t pointed out to them, but it’s still there. Ever present and nagging. But I can’t keep my attention diverted there for very long because something hiding in the blackness will probably pull me through and meet me with a sharp reckoning. But it’s tempting. It’s tempting and it’s dark and delicious like the most taboo thing you know but simply can’t be indulged in.

"The night is the hardest time to be alive and 4am knows all my secrets."

Here’s to regulating my sleeping schedule.

1. FUCK.
2. I am drinking a can of Monster. (“WHAT FLAVOUR?” Blue. “NO, I MEAN WHAT FLAVOUR?” Lo-carb? “NO, LIKE BLUEBERRY?” No, chemical blue. But I think the red one is assault flavour. It also tastes like toddler death.)
3. I did not have a crazy New Years. I drank most of a bottle of expensive champagne by myself, and then nursed a 42oz bottle of Budweiser for I don’t know how long. I’d like to say I got really drunk and painted or wrote out my feelings or something equally productive and gay, but I think I just played Twilight Princess and watched the South Park movie, actually REFUSED a party invitation, called up Dima and spoke to him until like, 7am. I tried to log onto mobile aim in the middle but it wasn’t working; I might not have been able to type, though. My bad. But I really just think I didn’t have a connection…
4. I think I took a lot of sleeping pills the following night in an attempt to adjust my sleeping schedule. I failed, for a while, sort of. Sorry, liver.
5. I have a fucking tear in my left ear, and I think I’ll do a SSS when I’m done with this. Depressing. I’m sorry, ear, but I wanted to be at 0g already. Please stop feeling all scabby and gross.
6. I might be going to Puerto Rico later this year. What. Okay.
7. Don’t buy chinotto Sanpellegrino, it tastes… like… licorice. I thought sour orange… wasn’t going to taste sweet. Okay.
8. If Monster has any animal derivatives in its ingredients I’m going to scream.
9. of Montreal is a great fucking band.
10. I’m becoming a recluse. Is it okay? At least I’m not a homebody. I go out… by myself. Come home and stay by myself. Unless I’m playing Mario Kart with the broskie. Everyone on the planet should invest in a Wii and Mario Kart. We’d all be happier. Slightly frustrated when it comes to Rainbow Road THAT FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT but happier, overall. Surely.
11. Here’s to not having an odd-numbered list.
12. Sup, miss you.

REAL MEN SHAVE WITH CHAINSAWS

that is all
tune in next week

TRY PEELING OFF YOUR FACE AND FEEDING IT TO THE DOGS.

Quit staring at me like I am a piece of meat.

The next time I see you I’m going to slam my head through a goddamn window or some shit.
Will you like me then?
Fuck off.

I think the people here are slowly pushing me towards asexuality.
And CELIBACY.

Three showers, still feeling filthy.
Ran until my legs gave out. Called my brother, had him drive me home.
Not going to the west coast for break after all.
I’d probably want to kill myself right now if I hadn’t already been there, almost done that five fucking times in the past two months alone.
I don’t even feel let down.

Just venomous.

SO HERE I AM, I’M EMBRACING IT.

I am taking what is mine, just like you said.
DO I INTIMIDATE YOU?

Here’s hoping you’ll embrace me with open arms.
I’ve got the money, I’ve got the time.

Uppers, downers, laughers, and screamers
in a big
blank
field.

i want you to know i have dreams where i kill you now

i will show you fear in a handful of dust

Because this dust is you. Maybe you’ve been burned up, ground up. Maybe you’ve been rotting, decomposing, but once you go through the worms, you’re dirt. That’s all there ever was. I can open my hand and sprinkle you away, cast you to the wind.

Mortality can hurt.

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(via shitgaze)

"I opened myself to you only to be skinned alive. The more vulnerable I became, the faster and more deft your knife. Knowing what was happening, still I stayed and let you carve more. That’s how much I loved you. That’s how much."

Rabih Alameddine: I, the Divine x (via shitgaze)